Lymph Journal # 65 - Beautiful ugliness or vice versa

5/30/2012

Happy Birthday to our daughter Hannah!

Day by day I’m feeling a bit more normal.  I’m sleeping well at night.  I eat at least my three squares a day and I’ve no need for the anti-nausea pre-medication before each mealtime.  I get hungry between meals and, usually, do something about that.  I get in my daily walks and just received the pair of Nordic Walking poles that make me oh so trendy and offer the chance of making my walk times into more of a workout for the whole body.  Diane and I walked far enough the other day for me to experience soreness in my diminutive bottom which means I’m pushing things at a no pain no gain rate – it felt good to be sore!

I attended church the other day – it was Senior Sunday and I got to read the names out for the traditional Bible gift BFA Seniors are awarded by Black Forest Christian Fellowship.  This week is exam week and grad will be Saturday afternoon.  Last Saturday a few former students came by to visit me on our balcony – many formers students seem to drift through here around either Christmas or grad season – and I was reminded of my calling here.  My constant hope is that what happens in my Worldviews classes has an impact beyond the classroom and helps these kids to navigate life well after high school. 

The weather has been stunning this past week.  Warm, dry, breezy days and suitably crisp nights – a perfect sort of late spring/early summer.  A few nights ago I sat outside around 10:30ish.  Our latitude and longitude give us light fairly late into the evening – there was a clearly discernable horizon line between sky and surrounding hills. Over that horizon was a bright crescent moon – simply beautiful – and I sat there in a state of revelry.

In those moments of heartbreaking beauty I began to consider again the passage of these past few months.  What was brought to mind was the stark contrasts within cancer and its treatment.  In it there is profound ugliness.  Disease and death are ugly consequences of our rebellion towards our Creator – they are the revolting fallout of the Fall.  All the attendant indignities of diagnosis, treatment (“successful” or not) and possible (well inevitable, ultimately, for each of us) death – there is nothing pretty about it.  The process holds for the cancer patient (and for many other situations) moments of staring eyeball to eyeball with all that ugliness – some of you have been there, I know.

Yet, as I sat there on that beautiful night and thought of and even revisited the profound ugliness I had the realization that, as a disciple of Christ, there was – sort of off to my side, not quite within view in the depths of the uglies – the one man who had not only cheated death, not only beaten death but the one who had ultimately defeated the ugliness of death.  Red Sox fans are familiar with the phrase, “Reverse the Curse” in reference to the long drought in World Series successes (86 years!) following the selling of the Bambino (Babe Ruth) to the Yankees in the off season of 1919-20.  Well that’s small beans compared to the One who did Reverse the Curse and trampled death and all its related stings.  And He’s the One who was and is there as life offers the ugly moments – there in all His beauty.

There have been other moments of beauty in the ugliness of cancer.  I love my wife and have for many years now.  But the context of cancer has deepened our relationship, has made more vital the time we can be together and has caused me to recognize her beauty to a greater degree than ever.  She is the best, I married well, I rejoice in her beauty.

Certainly a deepened appreciation for my kids and grandkids adds to the beauty.  Family, friends, and calling in ministry – all the things that bring significance and purpose to life are multiplied by the ugliness of cancer.  And there is the experience of walking on the brink of ugliness.  As a child of God it ultimately doesn’t matter if you slip over that brink into eternity or God brings you back from it for another season of life.  You’ve “been there”.  It can’t help but profoundly impact your whole person and understanding.  I realize that especially when I talk with other members of the “cancer club”, the fellowship of those betrayed by their bodies.

So, ultimately, the whole experience is a gift – a gift I frankly would still refuse if I had the choice but for which I am, in many but not all respects (yet), thankful.  I pray I’m done with this “gift” and will live my life with the benefits and responsibilities it has brought without having to open it up again. 

If you’re a fan of the funk/disco/R&B combo band Earth, Wind and Fire you might know that one of its members, Philip Bailey (the great falsetto voice of EW&F), has also produced some good Christian music as a solo artist.  So here’s my musical recommendation of the day.  When I heard it for the first time in the hospital following the stem cell transplant I was brought to tears that still threaten leakage whenever I hear it since.  The title is I Am Gold (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QoXcCjFtBes) on YouTube (or for $0.99at iTunes).  Check it out – I’m listening to it now and a bit misty am I.

Count it all joy

When you’re feelin’ the pain

For new wisdom you’ll gain

Tribulation worketh patience in your life.

I’ve been tried in the fire

And the flames get so high

That I can’t see the sky for the smoke in my eyes

But each time I’ll survive

Makes me not ashamed to stand and testify.

Little child, you’ve had more than your share

Of all the heartbreak you can bear

And it seems like life is so unfair.

Through it all you learned to stand up tall

cause God above won’t let you fall

and he hears His children when they call.

I’ve been tried in the fire

And the flames get so high

That I can’t see the sky for the smoke in my eyes

But each time I’ll survive

Makes me not ashamed to stand and testify.

I am gold

I’ve been tried in the fire

I’ve been tried in the fire

I can climb higher and higher X2

And the song continues in this direction.  So, if you’re a fan of 80’s funk (and who isn’t!) give it a listen.  And cultivate eyes that seek beauty and the Beautiful One in the moments of life’s ugliness.