2/1/2012
Yesterday was a complete washout. Unpredictably, that was the day when the
post-chemo nausea hit hardest so far. It
was back to virtual inertia as in sitting inert and silent on the sofa unable
to read or think to any degree. A bit of
mindlessness on the tube was about all I could muster.
Today has been much better.
I’m still tired but I’ve been able to eat and it has stayed where it’s
supposed to stay. One load of laundry
and some medical bills were taken care of – I’ll take that over yesterday.
I have been doing some reflecting on what this process must
cost in terms of care-giving.
Technically, I have cancer but in reality it seems like we, Diane and I,
have this together. As much as I have
moments when I think (wrongly) – “Come on, I don’t have cancer”, I know she has
moments where it feels like the disease is hers and she has to, rightly, say
the same thing. I don’t like having the disease and all the stuff that attends
it but I know it costs dearly in the concern, care and time for Diane. We walk through this together and – this is
not a noble thought – I prefer that I have the disease to being the one who has
to walk through it with someone for whom I care so much.
I am so impressed with Diane’s commitment and care. She has worked continues to work hard in her
role as Director of Language Services for TeachBeyond. Others, a true answer to prayer, are stepping
up and taking on the roles that needed to be filled for the department to grow
to its ambitions and this has been great to see. Largely, she can get much done from home so
we have good time together and her times out at various meetings are a literal
stone’s throw away. So all this
continues but added to that is me. This
is the new, hopefully temporarily, care-needing me. Many of the usual chores I can’t or shouldn’t
do any more. There are bad days where
the level of helplessness is way beyond my comfort zone. Our social interactions are greatly
limited. I need rides places (and a big
thanks to those helping out for appointments).
And, of course, there are the what-if questions that are out there. No, it’s not at all easy.
But there is a sweetness in all of it. We have taken opportunities to reflect how
our lives have been spent together and there is little to regret. There is a sweetness to the quality of our
relationship that is so comforting and joyous.
There is a sweetness to the times we are together now. There is a sweetness to the grace that
permeates our home. I won’t ask a stupid
question like, “Would I trade this for freedom from cancer?”, because I don’t
like stupid questions. In the
sovereignty of God this is where we are and there is much that is beautiful in
it. Thank you Lord, thank you, oh wife
of my youth.
6 comments:
And so we pray on.....in our rowboat in the midst of a huge storm.....we pray He calms your hearts and minds, that He will provide comfort and He will lift your spirit to continue to glorify Him!
Love you, Russ and Diane....
I'm so glad for the sweetness for you guys in the storm. You guys married well. :)
So do you still get mostly only German tv? I was trying to imagine you listlessly watching and I realized you'd be watching mostly incomprehensible garble. Are you in need of a video or two?
And thanks for hating the stupid questions. Makes me feel better about hating them if you, Russ, who is willing to tackle any variety of hard questions, thinks they're dumb too.
You honor your wife every time you write a blog. That either says a lot about her or a lot about you, or both. I am honored to be teammates with you. So thankful you have energy on some days to blog. It helps us pray with compassion.
Hi there,
A few tools that have heaped me come through the ups and downs over the years in and out of hospital.
1. To know that I am 100% complete, healed in my spirit. There is no death or sickness in my born again spirit, no darkness but His light shines in me.
2. Building my spirit.
3. I have the Message Bible on MP3 and let the Word of God penetrate my spirit and let it radiate out to my body, healing from my spirit to the body. Spiritual transfusion.
I have made a copy for you. Some one should be delivering it to you.
4. I watch the video Podcasts and download the sermon messages from Menlo Park Presbyterian Church.
http://www.mppc.org/learn/sermons
This has been a great inspiration for me.
We are the survivors
let your light shine,
let the glory of God shine through
Your love and respect for each other has always been clear to anyone who has met you. “Two peas in a pod”. You have both, always, been great examples to Diane and me and have had a great impact in our lives. We have prayed with you through many difficult times and continue to pray for you both now. The Cohorts will gather tonight and sing some of those songs we love singing with you best (can’t do “Po Wayfaring Stranger" without you). And as always we will be thinking of you.
This is such a beautiful post and a huge testimony to marraige. I am sorry for all the pain you are having to endure, but I am comforted knowing that God is loving both of you through each other :)
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