Dietrich Bonhoeffer Poem

The Lord’s almighty power still protects us;
    His faithfulness means we have nought to fear.
“I long with all my heart to share your (plural) hours,
    I want to walk with you throughout the year.”

The quiet candle, keep it warmly burning;
    You gave it when the dark was at its height.
So lead us, when You can, to be together,
    We always know Your light shines in the night.

When deathly silence seems to be encroaching,
    Oh let us hear with clearness ev’ry tone;
The unseen world is singing all around us:
    His children’s praise, ascending to the throne.

Refrain
His power gives an overwhelming comfort;
    We wait in confidence, let come what may.
In evening and in morning He is with us,
    His presence is for ev’ry dawning day.

The poem was written by Diettrich Bonhoeffer in the months before his death while he is in prison in Berlin.

Lymph Journal - The Sermon Notes

As I mentioned in the last post, I had the opportunity on September 16 to share the story of the last eight months with the good folks of Black Forest Christian Fellowship.  I actually got through it - whew!  Click back to the previous post for a link to the audio if you'd like.  What will follow is an extremely long post of the sermon notes/script - some differences from what was uttered. 

Again, it's long!  You're under no obligation to read it but some have asked (gluttons for punishment!)

Finding God in Cancer

Psalm 71:18 is the theme verse for our (Diane and my) return to the field in Germany.  Diane reminded me of that the other day and read the surrounding verses.  Wow, was it and is it appropriate to the story I’m here to tell today

14 As for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more.

15 My mouth will tell of your righteous deeds,
of your saving acts all day long—
though I know not how to relate them all.  (And I don’t have time enough today)

16 I will come and proclaim your mighty acts, Sovereign Lord;
  I will proclaim your righteous deeds, yours alone.

17 Since my youth, God, you have taught me,
and to this day I declare your marvelous deeds.

18 Even when I am old and gray,
(or maybe even bald!) do not forsake me, my God,
till I declare your power to the next generation,
your mighty acts to all who are to come.

19 Your righteousness, God, reaches to the heavens, you who have done great things.
Who is like you, God?

20 Though you have made me see troubles,
 many and bitter,
you will restore my life again;
from the depths of the earth
you will again bring me up.

21 You will increase my honor
and comfort me once more.

Greetings

How many of you have prayed for me?

Apologies to those who suspected I was sick and I brushed it off

Qualification: 

1.     None of this is meant to magnify me.  Please take everything I say as a magnification of the glory of God – pray that the words of my mouth flowing from the meditations of my heart will be acceptable to our glorious God.  If I boast I am boasting in and of God.

2.     I will use the word “I” often today but right at the outset I want to say that most all of this experience was an “us” thing for my wife Diane and I.  In stories like the one I am about to relate the Caregiver’s role is no picnic - Diane was and is an amazing woman and wife, partner and friend and she has extended so much love, support and plain old grace through this.  I’ve known her now for forty years, been married to her for thirty-two plus years and have never been more crazy about her.  Thank-you love – I married well!

3.     This is not a three-point exegesis of a relevant biblical text.  This is a chapter from a life story followed by some of the things learned or learned better within it.  That’s only if I stick to the script – we’ll see. You all have stories, those stories have chapters and you all need to be looking for the lessons within. I’m sure most of you do.

Tell the story:

A year ago, a new chapter

Diagnosis

Realization

Announcement to community and the prayer explosion (read letter from student)

Early reactions – don’t be afraid to rage at God

Treatment

The Low Point – absolute giving over to God

Recovery

“Cure”

Today, a new chapter & where I’m at now (feeling quite good! Happy to be back at work, back in community – six enforced, unplanned and tenuous months can fan the flame of passion for your calling). 

We’ve only got so much time to live in this mode – walk by faith, push past doubt, face the enemy, invite future saints – then its over – we’ll be vastly better off but it is so exciting now and finite.  Around the campfires of heaven we’ll get to tell stories of walking by faith – let’s get some stories going!

Lessons (forgive me, I teach and therefore how I think and react, much to the frustration of those not really hoping for a lecture, is by pontificating about the lessons embedded in life)

Here are the Big 3 things I know better having had cancer.  They’re things we all “know” and most of us have done some learning the hard way. 

God is

God is love

God is good

God is….

 

In the beginning God….when there was nothing God is, when there is nothing now, God is.  The “I am” still is and will be forever.  God was before the notion of “before” was brought into existence –

-we haven’t always been

- BUT we will forever future be with or apart from God

-and God just plain IS.  The “I Am” still is!

How could I know, how can anyone know “God is”?

From an acquaintance with God, found in the broad sweeping pages of the biblical narrative coupled with a personal history that is informed and influenced by the mercies of God. These can help to prepare you for the big challenges of life by giving you the requisite knowledge of head and heart.  You can experience gratitude for what God has done but don’t stop there – expect that He will continue to do His work of grace in and through you.

The Bible is said to be many things.  We often go to it for advice, for principles by which to live, for correct doctrine by which to make necessary judgments.  Let’s always remember that all Scripture is inspired and profitable for instruction, reproof, correction and righteousness training but let’s also remember something else.  Read David’s Psalms and hear how he loved the Law.  Was he waxing rhapsodic over Levitical do’s and don’ts?  His exuberance always seemed a little overblown until I thought – maybe he’s not so much in love with the details - which, granted, are super important – maybe he’s in love with the broad and powerful portrait of Jehovah painted by the law and the realization that that same Jehovah loved him, loved David.  Read Psalm 145 if you need to feel what David felt.

I said it’s the biblical narrative and one’s personal history.  God has been faithful in my life, in the lives of Diane and I as a couple.  I think I can say that a brush with mortality in the assurance of God’s eternal love for us is not the worst thing that we’ve experienced together  But, granted, it was no picnic!

Here’s one place I found God certainly is:

Even though I through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil, for you are with me;
your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

That valley mentioned in Psalm 23 has some incredibly deep shadows. Yet God is, He’s there.

And sometimes you just have to know it. 

God often plays hard to get. He still IS.  When I was at my lowest point the only resource that I could consciously draw on was a knowledge of God.  He didn’t reach out and warm me with His embrace.  I had no visions or angelic visitations.  There was, seemingly, nothing but a howling emptiness – or so it seemed.  I never want to go back there.  I’m sure God was at work in the shadows.  I’m sure the intercessory provision of Jesus and the intercessory groans of the Spirit were there but I’m also sure I didn’t feel them. 

We don’t always feel them and we have to fall back on our knowledge. 

What did I know, what do I know, what can we all know? 

As I stared into the ugliness that is disease and death and could see nothing else I knew that, right there, just outside of my spiritual peripheral vision, was the one who hadn’t just survived death, hadn’t just cheated death but the One who had conquered death, who had by His sacrifice and resurrection (let’s never celebrate His death without shouting about His resurrection) defeated death, trampled it under His heel and ground its face into the dirt.  I didn’t feel it – believe me, I wished I had - , but I knew it!  Knowing can sometimes be enough.

In that context and in that knowledge I could surrender to the one who conquered death and makes it so much more sacred than it is ugly.

By way of aside:

What was Christ’s intercessory prayer for me on Friday, May 4, 2012?

Hebrews 7:25 Therefore he is able to save completely those who come to God through him, because he always lives to intercede for them. (high priestly role – intercessor)

Romans 8:26
In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.

So I know better now is that God is

and

that God is love.

We read responsively last week from Psalm 139 – the refrain was, over and over, “for His steadfast love endures forever”.  There’s a whole theology in that phrase – just try reading it out loud six times, each time emphasizing another word.

Shall we try it?

God’s love is terrible and tenacious l– he is the God we should naturally fear but He’s more amazing in his love.  The more terrible the circumstances the more tenacious is his love – He loves in the valley of Ps 23 we’re inseparable from His love as described in Romans 8.

God is so big, so awe-inspiring, He is the God of the universe and the God before and beyond the universe.  The most preposterous and beautiful tenet of Christianity is that He loves you, he loves me individually, deeply, sacrificially, substitutionally – it’s an outrageous notion in any other mind than God’s yet He demonstrates it irrefutably in the Incarnation.  Let that blow your mind!

[God’s “terrible” love]

•   Terrible comes (through the Old French terrible) from the Latin terribilis, of the verb terrere (“fill with fear”)

•   Terrific comes from the Latin terrificus (“causing fear”), built from terrere + facere (“make”) (this root of facere is the reason for the suffix -ficus in Latin, -fique in French and thus -fic in English).

•   To go further, terror comes from Old French terreur, from Latin terror, in turn from terrere.

So, both come from the same Latin verb.

The third thing that this walk through Death’s Shadowy Valley has re-affirmed in my mind and heart is that God is good.

I told you earlier that some initial advice from fellow believers was that I shouldn’t be afraid to vent about or to God, that I should express my outrage, my disappointment, my fears.  I’ve read the Psalms, I know we can get away with that.  I know God’s big enough to handle it.  But God granted me a measure of grace here – no credit to myself, I’m boasting in the Lord – I never got mad* at God about my cancer.  This is not to say I never will – who knows what else awaits but God granted a peace that passed all understanding – it was one shared by Diane as well - and I am so grateful for that.

            *scared yes, but never thought/said “Not Fair!

The realization that came to me – and it’s as old as His mercy and grace – is that God owes no man anything – especially me.  Who am I to make demands on Him.  The metaphor that powerfully ministers to me is the one of the Potter and the Clay.  Clay has no say.  But, in God’s love and mercy and grace and goodness Clay can Pray in humility, in the will of the Potter.

And if God is, if God is good, if God is love what the Potter does with Clay is the Potter’s business but it ends up for us – ends up – good and to the Potter’s glory.  It is not for my glory or my convenience or my happiness of my health.  Getting shaped by the Potter means we get pinched and kneaded and plopped onto spinning wheels and baked in the heat. 

BUT

It ends up good because we’re His workmanship, not our own, we’re fashioned for good works which are, in turn, meant to bring glory to God.  We’re created in Christ Jesus to do good works, our lights are to shine in a way that our good works draw due attention, due glory to our Father God.   [Same word for works/deeds]

Ephesians 2:9 not by works, so that no one can boast. 10 For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

Matthew 5: 16 In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.

And the fallout for us along the way are encounters with God’s goodness.  Sometimes we get little sips, sometimes, great draughts but because God is forever and we’ll be forever with Him those experiences just prefigure the time we’ll drown in His goodness. 

[[I’m right there with Peter’s complicated relationship with water and Christ.  When Peter took his eyes off of the water-walking Lord he was about to literally drown but when the foot-washing Christ finished with him he asked for his whole body to be drenched!]]

All that being said, life is not a cakewalk and tough times or circumstances often suggest different ways to distrust God.  Life is and will be hard. 

When life really starts to rattle your cage don’t be afraid to ask the “Oh really?” questions of God – reverently I’d advise.  Trial times are great opportunities to get rid of theological clutter and do some deep reflecting on God’s truths. 

God is sovereign, nothing happens in our lives but that God… - “Oh, really?”

All things work together for good to those that…. - “Oh, really?”

God is the Healer…- “Oh, really?”

God must not favor me because …- “Oh, really?”

Or maybe one of Job’s friends offers advice….- “Oh, really?”

Ask the - “Oh, really?” questions.  It’s OK. Then search the Scriptures, recall God’s graces in the past; always remember God’s character and you can sort the wheat from the chaff.

And get acquainted with the mysteries of God, the God paradoxes that aren’t answerable this side of heaven.  You know they may never be fully answerable – that’s OK, another reason to celebrate in heaven.

And be grateful to God for all His mercies – worship that way and spend enough time looking back that you have reason to trust in his future mercies and his future mission for you and your future reward in Him.

And now, today, before we pass on, we can comfort others with the comfort with which we’ve been comforted.  Cancer’s a tough thing.  I know it’s tough for someone who hasn’t first or second hand experienced cancer to reach out and minister.  It’s a disease loaded with emotional baggage and physical visibility and a fear of betrayal by one’s own body.  Cancer stinks – I don’t even like seeing pictures of myself with no hair and I’ve lived through the whole deal.  I’m thankful to those who tried to be comfort.  I’m especially thankful to those who comforted me with the comfort with which they’ve been comforted – fellow members of the cancer club.  So whatever your big deal has been redeem it further by using it to comfort someone else.  Encouraging someone who has ministered to you when they are in dire straits helps them wrestle with the questions that come with such straits.

Anjali – former BFA now working in oncology as a PA – great heart for her patients, great example of how God can call us to ministry?

 What will I miss?  I’ll, oddly enough, miss long sessions in the chemo-lounger (at least with the less toxic administrations of chemicals).  Those times were an enforced period of meditation in the face of dire circumstances.  There you are with a potentially fatal disease and poisons dripping into your IV tube.  You get the situation and you’re pretty much exposed before God.  Whatever your trials have been or will be when you’re at that point of being seemingly hung out to dry take the opportunity to meditate on the truths of God.  I know I had some truly sweet times in that chair and in the long periods of enforced idleness and isolation at home.  God can fill those sorts of voids.

Does that mean I’d welcome another go-round.  I know I don’t miss it that much and God has other, sometimes less and sometimes more dramatic ways of letting us experience Him.  No, I wouldn’t welcome another round. The thought of it is dreadful now that I better know dread.  I hope I will recognize His “more than sufficiency” whatever the next chapter has in store.

This experience is one I would not wish on my imaginarily worst enemy.  It is one I would pray against in the life of someone for whom I care.  But, as cliché as it may sound, it is an experience for which I am grateful.

What if the prayers of the saints had been answered differently in my story?  What if I died last year.  We surely know as individuals and as a community that sometimes that’s the way things work out. If any child of God – you think of that person that comes to mind - who had passed over to God’s presence would be able to appear here, right now what might they say?  Would they say that God blew it?  Would they complain that their healing had come only in God’s presence?  Would they say they wished it had all worked out differently?  You know the answer to that.  You know that they would be speaking with a true everlasting perspective that we should all cultivate now.  They’d speak as one who had beyond all doubt and all reservation seen that God is, that to drown in Gods love is amazing and that God is good beyond all imagination.

I want to read the lyrics to a song written in response to a personal tragedy.  (friend Stephen killed in car wreck) I loved this song before I knew its story but now, knowing the background, I love it even more. (popularized to me by Crowder & that’s the way we usually sing it)

John Mark Mcmillan

And He is jealous for me, loves like a hurricane, I am a tree

Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy

When all of a sudden I am unaware of these afflictions

Eclipsed by glory and I realize just how beautiful You are

And how great Your affections are for me

And oh, how He loves us, oh

Oh, how He loves us, how He loves us all

And we are His portion and He is our prize

Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes

If His grace is an ocean, we're all sinking

And heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss (sloppy wet kiss)

And my heart turns (burns) violently inside of my chest

I don't have time to maintain these regrets

When I think about the way

That He loves us

Oh, how He loves us, oh

Oh, how He loves us, how He loves all

How He loves

(And here’s the verse we don’t sing but we ought to knowJ

I thought about you


The day Stephen died


And you met me between my breaking


I know that I still love you God


Despite the agony


See people they want to tell me you’re cruel


But if Stephen could sing


He'd say its not true


Cause you’re good

Here's where to hear

Well, I had the opportunity to relate my story of living through Lymphoma yesterday at Black Forest Christian Fellowship here in Kandern Germany.  I plan to eventually post my notes in script but, if you want to hear what I really said the audio version is available here:

 http://www.bfcf.de/files/BFCF_2012_09_16_Russ_Kraines_God_In_Cancer.mp3

Lymph Journal # 71 It has been a while.

8/18/2012

It has ben a while since the last update.  I’ve been processing on many different levels where I am at right now.  I am not finished yet but the news is pretty good.  Following the results of a CT scan and a PET scan there seems to be little or, more likely, no evidence of any remaining lymphoma in my system.  With the particular variety of the disease and the course of my treatment and response there is an about 90% chance that I am done with it. The Freiburg oncologist used the “cure” word.  I know there is not a cancer patient in the world who doesn’t expect to be “looking over their shoulder” over the for-seeable future for some kind of recurrence or new form of malignancy but the doc seemed reasonably confident that if I was to see a relapse it would be:

a) within the next two years as opposed to five

b) not likely (recall the 90% cure rate reference)

c) bad news if it did recur – glad it’s unlikely!

I feel great.  My strength is good.  My hair is roaring back in both the desired and undesired regions of middle age maleness.  My appetite is good.  My eagerness to get back into the classroom is high.

I continue to remain healthy while still taking a few prophylactic anti-viral, anti-fungal, anti-bacterial and other anti-crud drugs.  Once a month I’m getting a boost of immunoglobulin intravenously (can’t say goodbye to the chemo-lounge quite yet). 

And, like I said, I’ve been processing and it’s not done yet.  I’m scheduled to speak at BFCF (Black Forest Christian Fellowship) on September 16.  I’m sure I won’t have finished the processing yet but I’ll post my sermon notes and give a link to the actual audio (I have no idea if they’ll actually have the same content – remains to be seen).

In other news, English Camp season is drawing to a close as the last European camp in Belarus is underway.  God has done amazing things through the camps in Portugal (a second camp is desired next year), Germany, Switzerland, Moldova and, as mentioned, Belarus.  Diane had some great help here locally and the national and North American staffers have been fantastic. 

Swiss camp staff saying their goodbyes - we drove a bunch to the airport

EC5 staff hailing from WKBC & Faith Bible in RI

Our local camp coordinators and helper at a thank you dinner at our house

Activities co-coordintor for EC5 - our Carl - directing dodgeball

Dodgeball!

Diane and I took a holiday – by ourselves for the first time in five years.  We found an appropriate place by searching Booking.com that met our requirements.  It had to be reasonably inexpensive with free parking, a room balcony (and view) and within about a four-hour drive time.  We found it in the mountains of Austria just under four hours from Kandern and it included half-board (breakfast and supper).  We read, hiked in the mountains, swam in alpine lakes, celebrated life and just plain rested for about five days.  Wonderful – maybe we won’t wait five years to do it again.

Innsbruck Brucke (bridge)

Out hotel (center, red roof)

Our first hike

View from our balcony

Cooling off her feet

Sunset balcony view

A balcony and a Kindle - not bad!

Russ swimming in the Blindsee (Blind Lake in English)

Diane afloat in the Blindsee

The following verses have been at the bottom of the Word doc in which I keep a record of my blog posts since early on.  They have spoken to me throughout and continue to do so.  Put yourself in my place and read them – I think you’ll see what I’m talking about.

Isaiah 40: 21-22, 27-31

Do you not know? Have you not heard? 
Has it not been told you from the beginning? 
Have you not understood since the earth was founded? 
He sits enthroned above the circle of the earth, 
and its people are like grasshoppers. 
He stretches out the heavens like a canopy, 
and spreads them out like a tent to live in… Why do you complain, Jacob? 
Why do you say, Israel, 
“My way is hidden from the LORD; 
my cause is disregarded by my God”? 
Do you not know? 
   Have you not heard? 
The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. 
He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. 
He gives strength to the weary 
and increases the power of the weak. 
Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; 
but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. 
They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

Well, don’t you know, haven’t you heard – I do and I have!

Lymph Journal # 70 - Back in Germany

7/10/2012

It has been a few days since the last posting and much has transpired. Our flights back to Germany were “uneventful”.  This is always one of the best labels one can hope for to describe a trans-Atlantic, overnight journey.  The jet lag, worse for us going West to East, has been manageable and the apartment was habitable upon return – friends even delivered an evening meal to the door – thanks Joe & Susie!

In scheduling our return to Germany we had to figure in the start-ups of English Camps and, months in advance, speculate on my potential health and strength so we ended up with a return on July 3-4.  This meant missing a family wedding in Virginia – congrats Esther and Daniel – as I couldn’t count on having the “stuff” to make a major round trip and then board a plane in time for camps.  On the other hand we did return in time for a wedding of two former BFA students of mine held in the village next door where the bride’s family lives – congrats Lindsey and Brandon.

Last Friday morning I underwent a CT scan to determine progression on my remission.  Yesterday was originally the day I was to have discussed the results with the Freiburg doc but he went on vacation and delayed that appointment for a week.  The results were sent on to my local oncologist in Lörrach.  We’ll be meeting with him tomorrow but a preliminary email confirmed the results to be “good”.  More details will follow as we go through this season of awaiting concrete news.

In reflecting back on our time in the States, I am sure glad we went.  It was a bit of a gamble even buying tickets but we won.  It was great to see so many people and be seen by so many people who have had us in their prayers.  Both Diane and I come from families with six kids and we were able to connect with all the siblings.  It was great to spend times with our Moms.  It was especially great to, despite the challenge of packing in a year’s direct relationships into a month’s time, connect with our children who are children no more.  I like having adult “kids”.  I like seeing how our collective history and their particular experiences and relationships are continuing to mold and make them.  I like being reminded of the things we’ve said in the past – wise things, silly things, and a great number of things I can’t remember ever saying but they swear I have – that have meant something.  And, as I’ve observed earlier, there is no better joy than to see your grown-up kids yukking it up with each other.  

Samantha, Carl, Hannah, and Amanda with Carl's Bday cake

Carl's giant Reese's Cake presented by its creator Wendy of Just Wright Catering on Carl's birthday

Grammy and Isaiah

Isaiah's First Birthday cake!

Both sides of the Brad and Amanda family

English Camp staffs have arrived for round 1 here in the Kandern area.  It was good to see some familiar faces and experienced directors – welcome back!  The whole family got to pitch in on Saturday’s grocery run - $2500 worth of food, four vans full!  The campers arrive on Thursday, may all go to the glory of God.

Lymph Journal # 69 - A short update

6/29-7/1/2012

I haven’t posted in a bit.  Somehow a lack of unoccupied time tends to depress my attempts at literary output.  Each day here seems to fill up with stuff – usually very good stuff – but it cuts down the quiet moments of contemplation.  Or maybe that’s just the naptimes doing that.

I’ve gone through all the testing outlined in the last posting.  No sign of pneumonia in the chest X-rays, very good numbers in the blood test, and a good visit with a local South County oncologist have led me to wait on other testing until back in Germany.  The lung thing has either lessened a bit or I’m more accustomed to it so I’ll get by until then.  The oncologist, by the way, was quite encouraging. He said, “You look great”, for someone so recently having undergone the stem cell transplant.

We’re coasting into our final weekend here in the States.  There is significant family time scheduled as well as homemade quahog chowder and clam-cakes.  I’m telling you right now – don’t ask for the chowder recipe – it’s one of those “If I tell you I’ll have to ….” things.  We’ve had some really fine grandkid time over the last few days – fellow grandparents know what I’m talking about.

Well, now it’s two days later and I better just post this little bit of news.  The chowder and cakes were excellent.  Suffice it to say I’m feeling very good but also ready to resume a degree of routine.  We’ll fly back to Germany on Tuesday night.  I plan to pick back up the Nerdic poles and resume regular exercise.  Friday I’ll have my CT scan that will be followed by the report on Monday.  My hope and prayer is that, after Monday, I’ll no longer be calling this my “Lymph Journal”. 

Lymph Journal # 68 - Happy Father

6/18/2012

We’ll skip the dictation software today – too many spelling and syntax errors to make me want to use it for public consumption before I’ve mastered the necessary speech rhythms.

Yesterday was Father’s Day.  I have been enjoying the chance to be a father in direct contact with my four kids, my grandkids and others important in their lives.  I certainly “got what I wanted” for Father’s Day as Diane and I watched these four uniquely different young adults laugh and retell stories together as they remembered plenty of things that I’ve forgotten but find quite believable.  May you guys always be able to laugh at yourselves and each other in the best sense of laughter.  Also the game we played was hilarious.

I continue to get a kick out of the double-takes that happen when I see folks that I know well who don’t recognize the bald guy.  So many politely and dutifully give a weak “Hello” in response to mine and then a few beats later, sometimes with a hint or two, the “Hello” becomes much more heartfelt and genuine as they realize it’s the guy they’ve been praying for over the last five months.  It doesn’t take much to entertain me these days!

Speaking of prayer, I continue to be amazed at the number of people who tell me they’ve been in prayer on a regular basis.  Many have prayed daily.  Here’s the crazy part – I haven’t prayed daily for my situation.  Sometimes I haven’t had the strength to pray – at its’ worst I don’t think the “groanings” we utter when we don’t know what to pray for were even a bit out of reach.  Sometimes I forgot.  But all over the world are people who have upheld Diane and I every day.  That is way cool!

Recovery continues in fits and starts.  Early in our stay in RI for two days in a row I walked the Pier beach – something I so looked forward to and what I hoped would be some sort of equivalent to walking Kandern’s hills.  My legs were sore for a week.  Beach walking must use muscle groups in an entirely different way than “Nerdic” hill walking.  Late last week I began to notice a bit of strangeness in my lungs, a feeling almost like I had run a vigorous race in freezing cold weather and irritated my upper bronchial region.  It hasn’t passed yet and I’ve been a bit shorter of breath so I hope to get a chest X-ray, etc. later today to rule things in or out.  Research online certainly underscores that there can be complications of certain chemo drugs that impact the lungs and I’ve had a bunch of them.  My hope is that it’s actually some sort of treatable infection/disease rather than any kind of long-term damage.  We’ll see.