Lymph Journal # 63 - Back from the brink

5/16/2012

Well, I’m back, back from the hardest two weeks of my life.  When all the information promises that following stem cell transplantation there will be a time of everything collapsing, well, it’s an underestimate.  I have never, ever been so hammered physically, ever come close to that from which I’ve begun to emerge.  I’ve been trying to construct the proper and accurate word picture to describe things.  I won’t be able to do it justice, but let’s try.

The nearest I can come is that I had to travel a deep, dark passageway from feeling OK to feeling, well, nothing and then on to emerging again.  Absolute weakness was probably the clearest hallmark of the passage.  I needed to crawl through but the energy spent on pushing myself six inches took all the strength I had. 

Here are some measures of that:

I haven’t read a book in two weeks – if you know my reading habits this tells a story.

For a week I couldn’t rustle up the energy to watch and DVDs – how can veg’ing seem like a monumental hurdle?

To write a one sentence email was beyond me for much of the time – Thanks to all who wrote emails of encouragement – I read them but could not respond.

Mealtimes became (and still are) a huge hurdle.  Grace was no longer asking God to bless my food, it was asking Him for the strength to swallow some.

Walking the length of my floor was exhausting (I’m now doing stairs!).

So, there I was, slowly crawling through this tunnel day after day.  And then, the tunnel collapsed.  Last Friday with virtually no immune system I got hit by some fever producing something.  It was a long day and night.  The docs were pretty concerned with talk of ICU. Infusions of antibiotics and fever reducing meds got me through the night and I feel things broke for the better in the wee hours of Saturday morning but that was not until a I had a real heart to heart with my Maker.

It’s common in Christian circles to talk of surrender to God – and that is a good thing.  We’re engaged in the long process of letting God revolutionize our lives from the inside out and may we be willing participants in that process.  But Friday night wasn’t about this or that area of my life that needed surrender, it was about my life.  For the second time in my life I had to truly surrender everything.  Once before it was when my son lay in ICU and I was beside him through the night.  In both cases I reached the point of absolute helplessness and absolute trust in God.  It wasn’t about medical care, willpower, positive thinking or dumb luck.  It was God’s call and my deal was to admit that, to welcome that and embrace the conviction that God is good. 

So my prayer was a blessing on my family and “permission” for God to do whatever.  It’s interesting that Diane was experiencing something quite similar back home at the same time.

Well, I’m still here and that is pleasing but if I was no longer on this side it would not take away from the goodness of my God.

That’s about all I have energy for right now.  I do want to give a huge shout out to my Class of 2012 students who filled a bag with get well cards.  I sat down and read them yesterday (I really couldn’t before then) and was so encouraged.  I sure do miss having had second semester with you guys.

By the way, Friday’s looking to be my Independence Day!